The beats within.

 There is so much going on. 

At the outset, it is raining beautifully around, and there's a gentle hum of the washing machine in the air. 

The cats are fast asleep. 

There are renewed winds of cancer in the air. Parts of conversation sounds like stem cell transfusion, regression, PET scans, etc. As compared to who I used to be when it had hit my mother earlier, I stand out as a different person today. Married. Older. Just as perplexed. 

The noises within can be calmed down with gushes of loud music at times. Happy music. Sometimes it offers a strong pretence of calm and happy air, while wonder and streams of fear keep lurking around. 

There's the usual challenges that lay underneath, with newer faces. Now the same challenge confronts me with a different person's face. V. He's been a good husband on almost all fronts. 

I guess I don't blame him. I could blame me, but honestly, I don't fully get it. I have tried what not. And the last what not was scarier than my previous attempts. Maybe it was glorious for a select few, but it halted something within making me question it. 

There's another battle that stands around 1.5 years old now I guess. I don't know. Maybe its won, maybe I'm a dreamer. 

Parts of me wonder about a non-dreamer version of me who could've probably navigated this world better. Or not. I guess we'll never know. 

The rain has a subtle sound that calms something within. The softer tears of fear, loss and discomfort in an ever changing world. I know I'll adapt (again) and would've forgotten about these things in the days to come. 

Oh and the trinity. That's another dream .. do dreams ever come true? 

Here's to another round of hoping, believing and dreaming. 

Dear heart, slow and steady ahead.