I don't like the kind of person I've become or am becoming.
So separated, so selective, so secluded at times that it scares me to look at myself and see a sense of weird insenstivity, inability to be a shoulder to cry on, incapability to ever cry (It's been years since tears welled in my eyes), like I'm a stone hearted cold person ( A friend called me insensitive a few months back when I responded to a crying person by making her cry even more).
I've closed myself down to feelings.
The guy who almost asked me out felt left out probably, after I changed the topic of discussion in ways that didn't pull the conversation to the same topic.
Someone passed away recently, and I didn't, to tell you the truth CAN'T shed a tear.
My defence mechanism is way stronger than it used to be, I've convinced myself of solutions to the worst of realities, but it's leading me to doom-hood, where I don't see myself as a human anymore, just a mere plastic existence. No feelings. Immortal faith.
I used to think that such strong faith is the answer I had been looking for. The phase after S passed away pulled me into years of depression, that was filled with lonliness and endless battles within the head.
Then to change that I read things that convinced me, I know I am not the one with blind faith, but re incarnation theories appealed to my understandings in ways beyond repair. I don't judge. Don't criticize. Can't see flaws. Love unconditionally. Don't expect.
But it doesn't seem like the answer, it feels like I want to go back now. To being stupid, witty, and irrational.
Because, the kind of a person I am now is not the one that can be happy in these surroundings, here you're expected to be happy AND sad at times, to be a winner AND loser at times. To be able to cherish AND criticize at times.
Maybe its a kind of Social Rejection that is making me feel unhealthy about myself, or the fact that the judgmental nature where people have political opinions and I don't makes me feel out of place.
The many battles I was fighting inside are settled, but now there are new ones. Like Always.
In today's social psychology lecture we discussed our preferences of the partners, now I know why I chose the complementary nature as opposed to similarity.
What would you choose? Would you want your partner to be complementary to who you are? Or similar?
So separated, so selective, so secluded at times that it scares me to look at myself and see a sense of weird insenstivity, inability to be a shoulder to cry on, incapability to ever cry (It's been years since tears welled in my eyes), like I'm a stone hearted cold person ( A friend called me insensitive a few months back when I responded to a crying person by making her cry even more).
I've closed myself down to feelings.
The guy who almost asked me out felt left out probably, after I changed the topic of discussion in ways that didn't pull the conversation to the same topic.
Someone passed away recently, and I didn't, to tell you the truth CAN'T shed a tear.
My defence mechanism is way stronger than it used to be, I've convinced myself of solutions to the worst of realities, but it's leading me to doom-hood, where I don't see myself as a human anymore, just a mere plastic existence. No feelings. Immortal faith.
I used to think that such strong faith is the answer I had been looking for. The phase after S passed away pulled me into years of depression, that was filled with lonliness and endless battles within the head.
Then to change that I read things that convinced me, I know I am not the one with blind faith, but re incarnation theories appealed to my understandings in ways beyond repair. I don't judge. Don't criticize. Can't see flaws. Love unconditionally. Don't expect.
But it doesn't seem like the answer, it feels like I want to go back now. To being stupid, witty, and irrational.
Because, the kind of a person I am now is not the one that can be happy in these surroundings, here you're expected to be happy AND sad at times, to be a winner AND loser at times. To be able to cherish AND criticize at times.
Maybe its a kind of Social Rejection that is making me feel unhealthy about myself, or the fact that the judgmental nature where people have political opinions and I don't makes me feel out of place.
The many battles I was fighting inside are settled, but now there are new ones. Like Always.
In today's social psychology lecture we discussed our preferences of the partners, now I know why I chose the complementary nature as opposed to similarity.
What would you choose? Would you want your partner to be complementary to who you are? Or similar?
First of all, your level of introspection is a very rare thing and I think that's what's ultimately going to lead to happiness for you. You are able to be in-tune with your feelings, negative or positive ones, in ways that most people cannot. As far as my preference of partner, I prefer someone complementary as opposed to similar. Creates a nice balance :)
ReplyDeleteI share your feelings.Having been at a position where you feel you're not as saddened or moved as you should be, it really scares me to think I once couldn't cry either... that no tragedy was huge enough to trip me off my edge.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, the only reason I give myself is we've become tragedy prone. Seen so much over and again, that horrifically little instances of bad don't cut. From where I am, Pakistan, the news is filled with occasional death news. It saddens me that to think that what I fear, this characteristic of being numb, is shared by all. The world included. Tells a dangerous story of a human mind, doesn't it?
(This was a good read, thanks)
I used to live my life controlled by my emotions. Some of them good, some bad, but there came a point where that all changed and I'm not sure when it all happened. I kind of sometimes think it was simply my transition from being a careless kid to an adult who doesn't have time to live a tricky life ruled by emotion. I now look at life with a rational mind and while it might be a safe approach it can make things kinda boring. I'm still trying to figure it out too.
ReplyDeleteYou have just grown up. That is how being a grown up detaches you from all the emotions you once felt that what makes you 'YOU'. Now you are being a surprise to yourself.
ReplyDeleteBut believe that deep inside, you are still the little girl who would trust and put down her guards to someone who really deserves it. and trust me you will!
Sometimes it is easier to shut down than to deal with things... I've done it myself...it's not easy to handle the emotions we have sometimes. Lately I feel everything which is downright difficult but I have no other way of dealing anymore... I've hidden too long... now I must feel no matter how painful it might be... :-/
ReplyDeleteYou will feel when the right time comes for you, you are not plastic... you are real
I feel like you are my exact opposite. I seclude myself from other people because I am too emotional. I easily get upset, a lot of times not in proportion to what made me upset. It's embarrassing. And the difficult part is not being able to cry that easily, because all the emotions are pent up inside, they hurt my chest too much. I don't know if I'm making any sense...
ReplyDeletePerhaps you've reached a point where you've gotten numb because of too much overwhelming emotions you've had in the past... ♡
Well, your ‘about me’ description gives a hint to this…perhaps the best critique and best friend is oneself, if we have one such self, the rest perhaps will fall in place…
ReplyDeletethis was a really interesting post. I'm very much the same way in that people call me insensitive, and I am cut off from people and from my own self sometimes. We have to find ways of coming back to our kindness and humanity, without criticising ourselves for being cold or different to other people.
ReplyDeletehttp://thepersephonecomplex.blogspot.co.uk/
First - That is one cool photograph.
ReplyDeleteSecond - You are a Gift to the world - being Unique makes You A Perfect Gift.
Third - I enjoy your honesty -
(I went through a not crying phase . . it happens - no worries)
I am not brave enough to allow another "destructo-person" into my life - i choose creatures - and i communicate with audiences - "solitary" works for me.
YOU are awesome.
ps - thank you for visiting . . .
It happens, once when i was hurt I wanted to be a person who is indifferent to everybody, but when i started becoming like that, I was scared...
ReplyDeletea unique piece of thought. I don't know how a person can become indifferent aleast i can never be cuz' its hugely depends on our nature also. however, its like i have always seen many people becoming selfless also after going through hard times; so much so that they forget to care about their own selves. Well, partly its because of the situiation prevailing around us as well. and about the partner then to some extent would agree to the fact that unlike charges have attracted always but then a little similarity is important to create compatibility thus making an ever lasting relationship.
ReplyDeleteI recognize so much of myself in your post, it's almost scary. I remember waking up one day and felt nothing, absolutely nothing. I couldn't cry, I couldn't feel empathy, I felt like one huge void. I'm not suggesting this is how you're feeling but just some semblance to what you've described. I wanted to change but wasn't sure if I wanted to give up that protective detached wall. With everything going on in my life it felt good to not have to listen to other people's problems or even just their voices. It made life just a little bit easier not feeling responsible. However, I also recognized that I was missing out on some great moments in my crazy life. I finally gave myself permission to not feel guilty about how I was feeling but accept the fact that I was going through "stuff" that only I could deal with. I needed to withdraw long enough to recharge and not be loaded down with outside weight. I allowed myself time to want to come back, to want to feel again, to want to be a part of something that requires feelings and emotions. I came back on my terms.
ReplyDeleteI need someone who's not at all like me, but that's not what I want. I could never be with such a happy and carefree person.
ReplyDelete/Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com
♥
OMG SAME HERE. I always act like a cold hearted person. I don't remember myself crying or even shedding a bit of a tear. I know that is not normal but I am like that. :/
ReplyDeleteI am gonna go for a complimentary but not so different like poles apart. Blaaah. I don't really care about life partners. :p
I have tagged you in my post. Kindly check it out. http://miss-ridx.blogspot.com/2013/10/a-midnight-autumn-tag.html
I'm not sure whether I'd want my partner to be more or less like me...
ReplyDeleteAs you can see from all the above comments, it is very normal to put up strong defenses. Sometimes people mistake this for indifference. I wouldn't say it matters what others think of you, but what does matter is that you be happy, and I know for a fact that it's important to stay vulnerable, even if a teeny bit, to be happy. Try to make a conscious effort to lower the walls.
Too similar is annoying...very annoying if you're competitive, assertive, obsessive, etc. which can define me. (though I prefer the term 'focused'). Complimentary works much better, with common interests.
ReplyDeleteOpposites attract, and add variety to a relationship ... but too much of deviation may doom your love ... what we need is a perfect balance, which again can never be truly real :-)
ReplyDeleteAt times, when I prefer isolation and go on reading things from here and there, I find this. All your words fit so well and it seems they travel through me till here.
ReplyDeleteHa! Mere coincidence.
Keep writing :)
I am in a much older age group but I find your perspective quite provocative in that you have wise questions and answers going in your blog. The depression is what caught my eye..I recognize the situation and what you are saying rings so true....
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful piece of introspective writing Stuti !! I really really feel that u have been under-utilizing your potential ....I mean you should really think of it as your future. Trust me, you are a Prodigy ! It's hugely satisfying and fulfilling to go through your masterpieces.
ReplyDelete