Being in the Middle.

Not that I haven't known this long enough already. But, practically, I want to leave a lot of things behind.
It can't get more messed up than what existed.

Knowing A. I knew him, from when I was 12 something. He was my cheesy enemy. He reminded me of these stories a few years ago. He said that I was the one who always behaved like I hated him. While we were forced to sit beside each other in the seventh grade probably, he loved the fact that I always kept my hand over my handkerchief. That I was particular about hiding my notes from him copying them. That I kept my bag in between the two of us to avoid him. That I did my hair the way he remembered them. That he loved the way I used to keep playing with my hand.(which I still do, this is one stupid gesture I don't see myself getting rid off). That he envied J for he was my friend, and with A it wasn't so. That while he was a kid, I was the first person he liked.

After S died, somehow I randomly received a message from A. We talked about the old stories. The lost time, about not having have had that kind of a place in our lives anymore. He told me back then, he was going through a phase, he was to repeat a year 'cause illness kept him down. And that none of the people of our class treated him right. But somehow he could find his peace in me.

After so long, things became better. But, I made a mistake.
While we shared the liking, due to changed circumstances and us being in two different Really far away cities and probably when just a year had passed since S died, I mistook it.
In my head, I had superseded the voice of S to that of A.

When, returning back to town, I met A, I was bad to him, I couldn't figure out why was I so messed up.
Things were good as long as I maintained the distance, as soon as I saw him, I started reverting back questioning myself. Like I was not justified in doing this to S.
A year from then, I figured out what was going on. I was being bad. To S and to A. For in A, I was trying to find S, so I had to end it.
We broke up.

Frankly confessing, I had a thing for him. I kinda still do. Not knowing, what is and what is not right! But, my heart tells me that, somehow I should wait for him. For he is someone I am really looking for.
The fact that I cared about the similarities S and A shared. I don't know. It seems right.
The fact that as two different individuals aswell I can love them, doesn't hamper my peace anymore. (Which I should've figured out a little earlier, this April it would turn out to be a year since I broke up with A).


Now, I have corrected it. Being messed up, that's kinda me.. Now, the difference is, I've forgiven myself. And it seems right.

To surviving.