Tracing the steps back.

'So you didn't clear things up with her yet?'  asked S with that little half way smile on his face, like he knew my answer.
'Nooo..' with a little happiness was my answer.

'Are you sure, we're going for this trip?', that's when it propped into my head, how many risks I was taking, all for once and once for all.
Not that I was fooling anyone, just that while interning, I would go with him for weekend breaks to Pushkar and Goa for once. 

It won't matter in the long run probably. I'll be with him, that will count. He unleashed a stroke of my hair and started tangling it around his finger while staring with a happy face.
This has been his nervous gesture. Normally, when he doesn't want things to go wrong, he would either start tapping his feet or look at me holding a stare.

I shifted from one foot to another within the confusion. For once nothing mattered, I just wanted to be in this moment. 

'Do you know, we could cancel this as well.. I mean if you don't want to take this, we can plan things later?'
Stepping a step closer to him, I said 'I'm not scared anymore.'
This was a bigger truth than my realization. Priorly with him, I was always scared of everything. Of thinking I wasn't justified in my actions. When not with him, it bothered that I was unjustified in my actions. He bent a little and caught hold of my lips via his, and it lasted longer than I had anticipated.

I realized that the thing holding onto this was selflessness. He never expected anything from me, but to love him. For him, there were no conditions. Just hopes that one day I will eventually marry him.

Dreams.
'How long has it been?' was his question, with that smurf smiling face.

I said '1032 days..'.

and I woke up from the dream and stared within the darkness into the reality.

It has been 1032 days since he died and it seems like I was still with him till yesterday.

Sometimes, knowing and believing are entirely different things.